Soul Soup

I am angry at my agony,
dissatisfied with despair,
yet I know I cannot run from it,
because I take it everywhere.


The comfortable certainties about the nature of trust on which most conventional systems have had been founded have always been at best doubtful. Doubt and uncertainty are symptoms of the poison our culture has fed us for a hundred years. But once it looks at us in the eye-there is no escaping. It's a completely new learning experience. We all learn from experiences, past mistakes, and consciously avoid them when life gifts us a chance for a new start. However, we cannot count on them. Especially when the situation completely defies previous patterns. Patterns are safety nets. Patterns help us explore what we have on hand, and give us directions and hints for our next steps. But they also rule our lives so that we fall into the same tricky trenches we deserted, and voila! Deja vu.

So what do we conclude here--is it that the lack of having a familiar pattern a stroke of luck? In case we don’t, then we're starting on a completely blank slate. We are free to put in whatever we want to make it our own. A perfect one. But unfamiliarity breeds fear. There is no faith, nothing to latch onto. For some its exciting. But it's not the excitement that counts. It's how much we learn about ourselves - that we can feel a certain way about someone the way we’ve never felt before. The wisdom of Jane Austin seems so right at times like this. It’s ironical , how she is right about everything else, yes, its not about Willoughby's charming good looks or Wickham's easy manner (or for that matter Hugh Grant's endearing stutter or Pamela Anderson’s breasts) it has to be built on unwavering feelings. Like admiration. And respect. Which seem, over time, to be turning into something else.

A friend of mine once commented, "You need to stop thinking." Of course, if only I could do that.

I'm solemnly trying to accept that doubt and uncertainty are really just a part of life.

I wish I could overcome this feeling .