Girl Gone Amok

I am a pacifist and I mean that in the broadest sense imaginable. Right now I'm finding myself on my wits end mulling over various peacekeeping terminologies to keep the growing tension between me and mum at bay. So what is the tension all about??

Marriage: what else!!! Today is a lazy Saturday, with mum and brother in town and having nothing to do , I surf channels till I win the popular choice vote and settle for ‘Channel V’. So while we three are inattentively listening to the songs and I’am helping my mom chop vegetables, I give her updates on each of the new league music videos. ("He's a serial kisser – god knows who gave him a meaty role" Or "he always sings in the same nasal tone which is such a put off" ) While mom does not like this particular channel very much, she is mildly amused by my remarks.

And then slightly wrinked, unruly hair Aamir Khan comes on.

"Oh Ma, listen to him. He is looking so cool with Kajol," I said. "He has that maturity and senstivity, with a dash of humour and a bright spark in his eyes"

"You like boys like that? But he just got married!" Her ears perked up.

“hello…?”

Is my mother trying to set me up with a just married superstar?? Has she given up on sons and grandsons of people she knows??. Poor mom. She just wants me to get married so desperately.

Sigh.

So, you thought that my ordeal is over.Well far from it. It has just begun.

My mom does not spare a single chance to talk about my impending marriage.Now that we are on the topic, she almost bullies me into opening the matrimonial sites where I have registered, puts on her spectacles and with much difficulty tries to read the responses. The first response goes something like this:

“Hello ABC,

This is regarding your profile here for a prospective matrimonial alliance. I am the prospective groom. I am settled in Bangalore with my family. My whole family and my friends have seen your profile and liked it. So we are interested to proceed further with the prospective alliance between you and me. Please do not hesitate to contact me and meet me in person. I am very fun loving so I can promise you a time of your life.”

You could have hit me with a mallet and I wouldn't have noticed. But this!!

And the next one:
“Dear Madam, I’m Mr XYZ, to know more about me, please mail to XYZ@yahoo.com or mobile me. Just to let you know that I like only fair, tall, slim, educated, working, talented, confident, home loving, caring, god-fearing, religious women. Hope to hear from you soon”

And the list goes on…and for my mom I’m being too choosy if I’m choosing not to respond! My own version of 'Socha Na Tha' is taking shape right before my very eyes, an unmarried almost spinster girl suddenly finds her mother giving her an ultimatum: marry or else.

I can actually hear my mother's voice echoing through the movie: "I am so unlucky", she says, as her head bobs in sorrow and she stares up to the heavens, "My daughter does not listen to me". This, despite the fact that I’m making all possible attempts to listen to everything she says.

To add to my dilemmas, my mother’s screening method is hardly foolproof. Once, she was particularly taken with a suitor who claimed to be a Genetic Scientist at Cornell University, well I don’t have any doubts about his caliber but it was his family who put me on the firing line. I was supposed to clear their screen test before I could even talk to the groom. I was suspicious, but I agreed to meet them (did I have a choice here??). Within seconds, their shaky command of English and yokel line of questioning (though I wonder why? these guys were shuddho bongs why on earth did they have to rank English over Bengali, just because their son was settled in the US or it was me muttering in Bengali of a dubious origin)—“You are liking dancing? Our family too much liking dancing”—then again “You make crispy fried samosa? Tell us how?” and the final blow “Name all five compulsory things we need for Satya Narayan Puja and the ritual for Shital Shashti Puja”. I went blank and refused to entertain any further questions, even though my mother persisted thinking I was bullheaded. But I was lucky enough to flunk the test.

Uh-oh, I often fantasize about settling my questionable marriage status for once and for all and ‘live happily ever after’. But before I do that, I’d assemble all the experts on marriage, which includes all my kakimas, mashis and nosey neighbours, and televise them arguing the merits and evidence of their sides, with cross-examination and – most important – publicize the downside of harmless snidy remarks passed on singletons.

That's all for now...mom's waiting to have a quick little chat with me.Phew!